the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
