You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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