Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
