My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is it because I queefed?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
