She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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