gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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