is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
