you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
