I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
