how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
