We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
