the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
