Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
