Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
