my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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