'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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