I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
