i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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