well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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