I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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