I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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