Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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