I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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