do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
