just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
