at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
