like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
