True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
