I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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