Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
