I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
