Four minutes until I can fart!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
