I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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