It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
