Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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