you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
