If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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