btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
