I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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