Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
