she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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