My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
