I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
