this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
