My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
