Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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