I wish I could teleport
My Higher Power is John Stamos
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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