Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
