He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
