Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
