hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
