I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Drunk is not a location!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
